


The Memories of Longing Hearts

by anarchycox



Category: Kingsman (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon, Falling In Love, Getting Together, Late Night Conversations, M/M, Porn with Feelings, Reincarnation, Sex, Sort Of, Star Gazing, but no confirmation or denial of reincarnation, hand holding, lots of talk about it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-03
Updated: 2018-05-03
Packaged: 2019-05-01 12:56:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,871
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14521068
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anarchycox/pseuds/anarchycox
Summary: Eggsy and Merlin have a philosophical conversation about reincarnation over the course of months and fall in love and fall into bed. it was supposed to be porn without plot, but I always end up with porn with feels.





	The Memories of Longing Hearts

**Author's Note:**

  * For [elrhiarhodan](https://archiveofourown.org/users/elrhiarhodan/gifts).
  * Translation into 中文 available: [【翻譯】回憶同屬渴望之心 The Memories of Longing Hearts](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14688324) by [sandykill](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sandykill/pseuds/sandykill)



“Merlin?” 

“Yes, Galahad?”

Eggsy sat on the park bench and watched his target. “You believe in past lives?”

“That’s a bit out of nowhere,” Merlin commented. He was watching multiple CCTV cameras. “Drop proceeding on schedule.”

Eggsy nodded and got up from where it had appeared he had taken a break during a jog around the park. “Never mind.” He got to running again, approaching the man and they did a pass. He kept moving around the park. “Why couldn’t MI-6 just email you this information?” he asked.

Merlin smiled a little, “Because criminals the world over are desperate to get R's recipe for the perfect steamed pudding.”

Eggsy stopped in his tracks. “Wait. You have me fucking jogging at 6am for a goddamn recipe?” 

Merlin laughed. “Aye it is a recipe alright. Now get in the car Galahad.” 

Eggsy got in the car and when he got to Merlin’s office his handed him the tiny drive and Merlin plugged it in. Eggsy whistled. “That is one hell of a recipe.” He watched the numbers fly and swore he saw the periodic table and the TARDIS in there. “What is it for?”

“Q let his lab rats experiment, they created something that shouldn’t be replicated. This is all their data. R stole it and entrusted it to me.” Merlin pointed. “And as a thank you, there is his recipe for steamed pudding.”

Eggsy watched Merlin destroy the data. “Aren’t you curious? What if it could save agents lives? What if that could save my life?”

“R is a very measured man, who allows a great deal of leeway for creativity in his lab rats. And if he is honest to god scared of it, it is better off destroyed. He has done the same for me a time or two.” Merlin gave Eggsy a nod. “I thank you for taking on a more...personal mission, like this.”

“Anything for you Merlin,” Eggsy replied sincerely. “You know that.”

“Why did ye ask about past lives?” Merlin asked.

“Because sometimes I feel like I’ve known you forever,” Eggsy said and left the office.

***************************************

“Ye do not have an especially old soul,” Merlin said into Eggsy’s ear. He watched through Eggsy’s eyes as the lad ran over rooftops in New Delhi.

“Okay?” Eggsy was sweating. It might not be sweat, it might be rain, who could tell? Fuck the rainy season. Fuck it hard. “Is the roof ahead of me especially old and likely to collapse under my weight?”

“No,” Merlin replied and after that one you need to hit the ground and cut through a cafe 30 metres up on the left.”

Eggsy did so and went under the tarp Merlin suggested and road the small bike and managed to get lost in the busy traffic. “My soul is plenty old,” he finally said. “What the fuck does that even mean?”

“In my dreams, I hear the clash of blade, smell the stink of bodies too long on horses and longer without water. I know what Jerusalem looked like bathed in blood of people fighting a useless battle, and what the sand feels like beneath my toes. In my dreams, I went to war behind the lion king and found nothing but ruin.”

Eggsy was quiet. “A Scots on crusade, yeah right,” he managed to snort, to shake off the chill that went down his spine.

Merlin laughed. “Dreams are silly things aren’t they?”

Eggsy made it to the extraction point. “And you don’t think my soul is that old?”

“What whispers in the corner of your mind, Eggsy? What irrational fear do you have, that you’ve never told anyone?”

“Planes, not big ones, small ones. Real small ones. Wood and flame and darkness,” Eggsy said. “Those original fighter planes were balls.”

“They were,” Merlin agreed. “But see, not such an old soul. Not as far as those things go.” Merlin started typing when Eggsy didn’t respond.

“Do you really believe in past lives?” Eggsy asked. “Because you sound like you believe.” It is his turn to wait in the silence.

“I don’t not believe,” Merlin said finally. “There are places, people who create deja vu. A view outside Aberdeen. Harry, the sound of a certain type of rifle. And I like the idea of a few tries to get it right. Beta testing so to speak.”

“What about heaven and hell and all that?” Eggsy asked.

“What do you believe?” Merlin asked.

“I’ve got no fucking clue.”

“That’s not the worst place to exist in sometimes. Get some rest, Galahad,” Merlin ordered.

The connection was quiet but Eggsy had figured out a few months ago, that Merlin stayed on the line until he fell asleep. He wondered if he did that for every agent, and felt absurd that he wished it was just for him.

“Do I give you deja vu?” Eggsy asked. He fell asleep waiting for Merlin to answer. 

*********************************************

“Why do you like the roof so much?”

“Stars,” Merlin said. “They are comforting.” He is lying down on the roof, a thin blanket put down, not enough for the cold weather. Eggsy put a skull cap in his hands. Merlin grumbled a little but put it on. He at least had the sense to have gloves on. Not that there was a lot of sense to be found being on a roof in november. “The cold makes them brighter,” he said like he could read Eggsy’s mind. “Either lay down and look or leave me be.”

Eggsy settled onto the blanket and looked up. “They are pretty. Bet you know all the constellations and shit, huh?”

“No,” Merlin replied. “I mean there is the Big Dipper,” Merlin pointed.

“No it ain’t,” Eggsy said and adjusted Merlin’s hand. “There it is.”

“Ahh,” Merlin’s hand fell back to the blanket and Eggsy let go. “I don’t know them at all. I just like to look at them.”

“But if you like to look, why not know more about them?” Eggsy asked. “I’ve seen you look up every fan theory for Game of Thrones, you know the stats of your favourite footie players. Why not know this?”

“They have guided people home since we walked out of caves,” Merlin said. “We still rely on them. When you can’t see them they are still there. They have been for hundreds of years. I appreciate their steadiness. Our world is chaos Eggsy. They have order. They are fixed. When they move it is because the planet has, not because they have. They remind me to keep steady.”

“You’re our fixed position you know. Guiding us home, a certainty for us, the eternal Merlin,” Eggsy said.

“That is a lot of weight on my shoulders,” Merlin said. “No human is a certainty.”

“You are as close as we get.” Eggsy looked at him, his face on the blanket, looking up and so...calm, at peace. It was a look he had never seen on Merlin before.

But it was something that teased at the corner of his brain, something he couldn’t remember.

Deja vu all over again.

“We knew each other,” Eggsy said, staring at him.

“Did we?” Merlin was staring up at the sky.

“I tried to make it home,” Eggsy whispered. “I swear it.”

“Maybe ye did, and maybe it was just a dream.” Merlin reached up and traced mindless patterns in the stars. “Big dipper right?” 

Eggsy adjusted his hand. “There.”

This time when Merlin brought his hand down he wouldn’t let Eggsy let go.

****************************************************

Eggsy looked at Merlin on the hospital bed. The man often ran pale, too much time at his computer, but he was ashen. They weren’t allowed in the room yet, watching through the glass.

“The doctor is just being overly cautious,” Harry said. He was almost as pale as Merlin. He hadn’t slept since Merlin had collapsed.

“Sepsis,” Eggsy said. 

“Caught early enough,” Harry replied. “He is on antibiotics, and they are doing some blood treatment.” He squeezed Eggsy’s shoulder. “They expect a full recovery.”

“Might be some lung damage.”

“Might,” Harry emphasized. “Our doctors are excellent, our technology cutting edge, and our Merlin too stubborn to leave with unfinished business.”

“He did before, hanged under a tree,” Eggsy said. He looked at Harry in complete confusion. “I have no idea why I said that.”

“Of course, worry and a lack of sleep makes us all say odd things.” Harry returned to watching Merlin through the window. Merlin was stirring a little on the bed and woke enough to flip them off and then fell back asleep. “See? He will be well.”

“Yeah,” Eggsy agreed. He moved a chair closer to the window and settled in to watch Merlin.

“You should get some rest,” Harry suggested.

“Chair is might comfy.”

Harry pulled a second chair over. “You are right,” he said, “quite comfy.”

“Harry you are too old to go this long without sleep,” Eggsy protested.

“Just try to stay awake with me,” Harry countered. He settled into the chair and watched Merlin and smiled fondly when eventually Eggsy started to snore next to him. “I will see you two happy in this life,” he whispered as he ran a hand over Eggsy’s hair. Several hours later the doctor was willing to let them in for 10 minutes and Eggsy had hair sticking up and drool on his shirt and he tore into the room and ran so hard into the bed that it moved even with the locks on.

Harry watched them from the doorway, listened to Eggsy babble out too many feelings and thoughts and the bemused expression on Merlin’s face. Merlin looked over to Harry and Harry gave him a nod and then went to talk to the doctor about Merlin’s recovery schedule.

Eggsy came out of the room, smiling, dazed. “We’ve got a date,” he said. He went upstairs to find a bed to collapse in, needing more sleep. Harry finished with the doctor and went in to check on Merlin who had an equally dazed smile. Harry went to find a bed to get some rest as well.

********************************************

“We’ve danced to this before,” Eggsy said in the small club.

“We dance a lot,” Merlin said. They swayed to the music, an old jazz standard.

“We do,” Eggsy agreed and tilted his head up to kiss Merlin’s jaw. “You have this record in your collection?”

“Nae, I don’t know the song,” Merlin said.

“Yeah we do,” Eggsy replied and then was silent and they kept swaying.

*********************************************

“Eggsy,” Merlin said. “Are you sure?” They had been dating a few months now, though missions had kept them more apart than together. But that meant a lot of time to talk. And listen to each other breathe. Eggsy found it difficult to go to sleep without Merlin breathing in his ear.

“Yeah, Hamish, invite me upstairs already,” he said. “Wanted to jump you long before we became a couple.”

“I’ve wanted you for so long,” Merlin replied. He leaned forward and then looked up at the security camera. “Inside, and I’ll kiss ye.”

They went in and took off coats and shoes and didn’t pretend what their desires weren’t, or delay what they both hungered for. Merlin held Eggsy’s hand as they went to his bedroom and Merlin turned on a small lamp that cast stars on the ceiling.

“That was a joke gift,” Eggsy said in shock. He had found it in a hardware store, for kids, it was supposed to be a bit of a night light but after their talk on the roof, all their other nights up there, where he froze his bollocks off just to be with the man, he had bought it to suggest they could stargaze just as well inside. He had figured it ended up at a charity shop the next day. “Merlin,” Eggsy couldn’t say more.

Merlin was almost bashful. “It was from you,” was what he said. Like that was enough of an explanation for Merlin to have a pink lamp that put stars on the ceiling and for him it was. “Certainty, Eggsy. You gave me certainty. It is a mighty gift.”

Eggsy moved close and kissed him, a graze of lip. Out of shoes Eggsy was a bit shorter and he thought Merlin would match, but apparently his shoes had less sole and the height difference was just a little bit more. Eggsy could feel his heels leaving the floor just a bit to meet Merlin’s lips. They were dry, rough from touching too hot tea, and being bitten while Merlin worked. He knew in winter they even bled a little. Eggsy wondered how many little details he didn’t know he knew about Merlin.

Merlin was the one to deepen the kiss to press his tongue into Eggsy’s mouth and then pull back. He angled his head a bit better and the kiss felt easier, surer. They stood there beside the bed and under the stars and enjoyed the kisses, until Eggsy could taste metal and salt. He pulled away and saw blood on Merlin’s lip. He brushed it with his thumb.

“I really need to use lip balm more,” Merlin said. “I’m all clear with medical. They monitor my blood a fair bit after the medical issues eight months ago.”

“I’m good too,” Eggsy promised. “Checked out after the last mission.” The blood had stopped beading, it was a small tear in Merlin’s lip. Another swipe of Eggsy’s thumb and it was gone. He wiped the thumb clean on his trackies. Still he didn’t want to hurt Merlin and instead of going to kiss his mouth, he kissed Merlin’s jaw and nuzzled at his neck. Which apparently Merlin liked a fair bit. He added that to the list of things he knew about Merlin and kissed along to the other side, even gently biting Merlin’s ear lobe.

“Fuck,” Merlin whispered.

“Yeah, in a bit,” Eggsy agreed. He took a step away and started to strip. “You’ve seen everything I’ve got between training and missions. Not exactly a surprise under here, but I’ve never seen more than your forearms.” He was down to his pants and Merlin was still dressed. “Merlin?”

Merlin nodded but didn’t undress, too busy staring at Eggsy’s body. “Lad ye are beautiful.”

Eggsy laughed, just a little and stepped forward to ease Merlin’s jumper up and off. Merlin then began to help and in a couple minutes Merlin was down to his boxers. “Huh,” Eggsy said.

“Huh?” Merlin didn’t know if he should be offended or not. He considered himself to be in excellent shape for age. 

“Well I had guess you would be well fit, you are bloody perfect, but dunno. Think I almost expected mad tattoos or piercings or something.”

“You haven’t seen my dick yet,” Merlin said in a perfectly calm voice.

“No fucking way,” Eggsy said. “You’re shitting me.”

“Of course I am, can you imagine the pain. I hate needles as it is,” Merlin said. He took his boxers off and sat on the bed. “Come here, Eggsy.” He offered a hand and Eggsy stripped his pants off and climbed on top of Merlin.

It felt like Merlin’s hands were everywhere, stroking his back, tugging his hair, flicking a nipple while Merlin’s mouth kissed his cheeks, his jaw, and gave a similar bite to ear lobe. It was perfect and also not enough. Eggsy pushed down a little on the bed, worming his way down, kissing as he went and he found a scar low on Merlin’s abdomen. He spent minutes tracing it with fingers and tongue, felt the way Merlin squirmed, felt the way Merlin was getting hard. He let his mouth drift down a little more, to bite at the hip bone that lead to far more interesting places.

Merlin’s cock was standing straight up, and Eggsy wrapped a hand around and squeezed. He enjoyed the way Merlin cursed as the grip was almost too tight. Eggsy kissed the tip and sucked it into his mouth just a little, just until his lips met his hand. He had a mixed relationship with blow jobs, he liked giving them, but he hated having too much in his mouth, but that didn’t necessarily satisfy a lot of blokes.

But Merlin’s hand was gentle in his hair, wasn’t trying to push his head down lower. “Eggsy, my love,” Merlin said. “Ye are so beautiful.”

Yeah, Merlin wasn’t going to push him.

Eggsy settled in, using mouth and hand and enjoyed every moan and curse that he pulled from Merlin’s mouth. He took Merlin into his mouth as much as he could, and sucked hard, pressing his tongue against Merlin’s cock. He did this for several minutes until Merlin tugged his hair, and rolled them so that Eggsy was underneath him. Eggsy smiled up at him. “Hey,” Eggsy said.

“Hello,” Merlin replied and he reached to the nightstand and pulled out lube and a condom. “Which do ye prefer?”

“Well the use of both?” Eggsy said a bit confused. “Otherwise hurts a lot.”

Merlin leaned into his ear. “No lad, who is doing the fucking tonight?”

Great, now he felt like an idiot. Or he would if he wasn’t mostly thinking about sex. “Rather thought you’d be fucking me, Merlin.”

“That suits me tonight fine. Plenty of time to switch later,” Merlin said. He slicked up a finger and sat on the bed between Eggsy’s legs. “Touch yourself, while I open ye up.” Merlin began to circle a finger over his hole.

Eggsy wrapped his fingers loosely around his cock. He realize that he was a bit bigger than Merlin, not that he cared. He stroked softly, more interested in the feeling than getting himself off. He wasn’t coming until Merlin was pounding away in him. He stroked and never took his eyes off Merlin’s face. Merlin was touching him, watching him with the same intensity he treated a mission. To have that focused all on him, at a moment like this made Eggsy’s heart heavy and light at the same time.

When Merlin pressed a second slick finger into him he shuddered at the feeling, it had been a while since he had done this and it stung more than he expected but Merlin was careful and steady.

Certain.

“Touch yourself too, you got a free hand,” Eggsy said. 

Merlin nodded and stroked himself a little, matching his touch inside Eggsy. When he grazed Eggsy’s prostate with those long bony fingers, Eggsy saw a lot more stars than the lamp projected onto the ceiling. When Merlin added a third finger he stopped touching himself so fully focused on Eggsy. 

“Talk to me Merlin? I’m used to your voice in intense situations,” Eggsy begged. The silence was breaking him apart. Merlin was breaking him apart.

“Do you know how many nights I have wanked in this bed, to thoughts of you?” Merlin said slowly. He moved his fingers in and out and Eggsy thought the sensation would kill him. It only made him hungry for more.

“I picture you riding my cock, binding you to the head board so you couldn’t move while I took whatever I wanted from your body. I have heard ye beg, in my dreams. And I tease and torment, but ye never are unfulfilled. I never leave you hungry for too long.” Merlin pulled his fingers out and reached for the condom. He rolled it on and added a little more slick. 

He settled along Eggsy and Eggsy wrapped a leg around Merlin’s hip. “I’ve ached to be in you again lad,” Merlin said and guided himself into Eggsy. 

“Again?” Eggsy asked as Merlin filled him, a stretched feeling but never quite pain, because Merlin would never hurt him like that.

“I didn’t say that,” Merlin replied and kissed Eggsy’s neck. Eggsy decided to let it go. Merlin sank all the way into Eggsy. The lad was a vise, perfect coiled strength beneath him, around him. Eggsy gave a small nod after a minute and Merlin began to rock back and forth slowly, drawing out the sensations as much as possible; he wanted it to last forever.

Eggsy wanted to see a Merlin who let go and he wrapped his other leg around Merlin and rolled them over. “You mentioned me riding you?” Eggsy asked and set a fast pace, rolling his hips dropping up and down. Merlin moaned and pressed his fingers into Eggsy’s hips trying to regain control of the pace.

But it is hard to control a wild and free thing, and Eggsy just relished the bruises that would form and kept the pace he wanted. He watched Merlin’s face as he gave up control of the moment and just felt and in that moment Eggsy understood why Merlin had said again.

Thinking grew hard as their bodies grew frenzied. Eggsy knew he would be feeling this in the morning, he wanted to feel it for days. He could feel Merlin growing rigid under him and moved even faster until Merlin arched up and was coming with a soft curse on his lips.

Eggsy’s cock was aching from neglect, desperate for release, and he jerked himself off and within a few strokes was coming on Merlin’s chest and stomach. They looked at each other, eyes blurry, breath harsh and Eggsy rolled off of Merlin. They lay side beside, trying to come back to themselves and Merlin gave Eggsy’s hand a quick squeeze and went to go get himself cleaned up. He returned with a small bowl and a cloth. Warm and scented water and gave Eggsy a quick and gentle sponge bath.

Eggsy had never been cared for like this. He was pretty sure. He would remember that.

Merlin took the bowl back to the loo and returned. He lay on the bed and pulled the covers around them both and snuggled Eggsy close. “Lamp on or off, my love?” he asked and his kissed Eggsy’s shoulder.

“On, I like the stars,” he said. The pillow was soft and the blankets warm, and Merlin warmer. It was so easy to fall asleep when the only sound was the house creaking a little, Merlin’s breath and Merlin’s heartbeat.

“I remember your heartbeat,” Eggsy said half asleep. ‘On a ship, there was sea everywhere and men singing and your heartbeat.”

“Perhaps, or perhaps it is a lovely dream.” Another kiss to his shoulder. 

“You never say much if you remember me,” Eggsy said. He was so close to drifting off. He only asked these questions when he might not even remember the answer. He could never remember them really at any time but this.

“I remember your skin,” Merlin replied just as Eggsy drifted off, “and how you feel in my arms.”

Eggsy was just awake enough to hear it, to feel the answer fill him, even if he didn’t quite remember the exact words come the morning.

But he remembered the weight of Merlin’s arm as it held him on the bed for the first time. For the hundred time. It didn’t really matter whether it had happened before.

Because it was happening right then and there. And it was perfect.


End file.
